Sunday, November 2, 2008


So sorry for not updating. Nothing has really been going on so there wasnt really much to post. Ok so of course Halloween counts as something. Me and Jason were going to a party that our friend Alex was putting on. I went as a pirate (not a butt pirate :P) and Jason went as George Washington (it sounds dumb, but his outfit was awesome!) So we went to Alex's house after I picked him up. It was a good night. Everyone had really funny costumes.

So after awhile, we decided to go out to the pioneer cemetary, its basically a graveyard, but out in the middle of the forsest, where all they buried pioneers back in the day. So we all loaded up in my car and drove out to the cemetary. It was uber creepy. Mainly cause it was night and a cemetary. I wanted to hold on to Jason, but obviously I couldn't hold his hand when were around other people. We kept hearing noises in the trees so we decided to go back to Alex's house.

Everyone started playing Halo 3, so I told Jason to take a walk with me. Alex lives in the country so we were walking down a gravel road, it was a really starry night. Once we were out of site we held hands as we walked. I love being next to Jason. It makes me feel content. We walked about a mile (we had flashlights, otherwise I would be freaked) when Jason grabbed me and started kissing me. We ended up making out for like 10 minutes. He tastes so good. Its like licking pepermint. mmm. So anyway. After a little bit of that. Jason starts putting his hand under my shirt and of course I do the same. I love touching him. He is perfect.

At this point we are both obviously very horny. Jason started rubbing the front of my pants. OMG. It felt so good to have sexual attention from him. So of course I start doing the same. I could tell by what I was feeling that Jason is um......quite have never seen him when he is ready to go, so I was surprised. But then he started to put his hand down my pants. I'm not sure I should have, but I stopped him. As much as I love Jason. I dont think I'm ready for more than what we were doing. I was just like "Um. Not yet. I just think, we need to slow down, just for a bit. I just dont want to rush things." and he was like "Oh. Ok. Thats fine. I just thought you might have wanted to".

Wow I felt like a tease. :( So we decided that we had better get back to the party. So we walked back, holding hands until we came into sight of the house. When we got back inside Alex was like "What were you two doing out there? (with a very sarcastic tone)". I said "Walking." smiling to myself.

If only they knew :)


Tuesday, October 28, 2008


So after Jason finally kissing me. Which I was so thankful for. And then him literally running away. Which I was not happy about, I was finally able to talk to him outside of school. I didnt want to talk to him about it on the phone. Or at school. We still talked at school though. But you could almost feel the tension when we were together. So after school I decided that I should definitely talk to him. So we decided to go the lookout. (For new readers. The Lookout=Our favorite place ever). We were silent almost the whole way there. Once we got there it pretty much went like this.

Me-"So about what happened. I don't know whats on your mind. But I need to know. I dont want to lose you"

Jason-"Archer. I dont know whats going on honestly. I dont even know why I did that...."

Me- "Oh. So where does that leave us?"

Jason-"I dont know. But where ever we are, I want you to still be my friend. What are you thinking about it?"

Me-"Honestly......I have liked you for a long time. I wanted that kiss more than anything...."

Jason-"Oh. Well, I like you too. And in a way thats more than just a friendly way. But I thought it would never happen, especially after you went camping with Mark. I know hes gay and I know he likes you.....I just felt like if I didnt show you, that I liked you, then I would lose you."

Me-"You wont ever lose me, I promise and Mark did try to make a move on me, but I told him that I liked you and didnt want to ruin that"

Jason-"Oh. Thanks. So where are we at? I just dont know if we can do this. I mean, I cant be gay, I only like you, I dont even like other guys"

Me-"Well, I still like girls even though I like you. Do we really have to be any label? I mean, cant we just do what feels right."

Jason-"I wish it could work like that, but you know my Dad would freak, I feel like I've already let him down enough"

Me-"Jason, you haven't let anyone down. You are the most amazing person I have ever met and everyone knows it. You're sweet, nice, and handsome. No one could ask anything more of you."

After I said that Jason gave me a huge hug and kissed me again. It was perfect. Except we held this kiss. It was amazing. Just to feel his lips on mine and then feel his tounge slowly brush mine. I think I actually fell off the ledge and must have died and went to heaven. After we stopped kissing. I was like "So begins our secret life". He laughed and was like "Its ok, as long as its with you".

You guys I have been waiting for this forever. I think my heart is going to explode. I finally have my dream. I finally have him. He is mine. And I am his. We are perfect.

We stayed up on the lookout for awhile talking about how different things would be. And I know they are going to be. But for the better I think. We headed back home and before we had to go separate ways, he gave me a peck on the cheeck and was like "Thank you for being the best friend I have ever had." I blushed and smiled and we walked away.



Now I have to do homework.


Sunday, October 26, 2008

Sorry for the wait!

Hey sorry I didnt update sooner. Its been quite the weekend. With Jason and camping and all that good stuff.


So we headed out to the campsite friday. It was me, Mark, Matt, and Matt's boyfriend Shawn. When we got there we unpacked and set up our tents and everything. So after awhile it was night and we were attempting to cook hot dogs (and failing because our hot dogs kept falling into the fire, haha). Later it we were just sitting around talking and then Matt and his boyfriend started making out. So Mark was like "Do you wanna go some other place....?". So I was like "Yah". So we grabbed some flash lights and started walking down some of the trails. Mark said he hated walking through the trees at night so he wrapped his arm around mine so he "wouldn't trip". (haha). We were talking about when he realized he was gay and stuff like that and about coming out to his parents and his first boyfriends. It was a really nice talk. So after awhile we decided to head back to our tent. When we got back to the campsite, Matt and Shawn had were already in their tent. So me and Mark decided to just go lay down in ours. (separate tents).

We had our sleeping bags laid out to form a matress and then we had blankets to sleep under. (So the ground didnt hurt as much). Me and Mark were just making small talk for awhile, then we heard the obvious sounds of Matt and Shawn having sex in their tent. We both laughed at first, but then I started feeling really horny. And Mark was eventually like "Jeeze they are really going at it, its making me kinda horny, what about you".

At this point I wasnt sure if I should give away the fact that two boys having sex made me horny, but I nodded anyway. Then Mark was like "well, maybe I can do something to help, if you wanted....". Instant scare. I didnt want him to know I liked boys yet, but he is a really good looking boy. So I used a more nuetral statement of "what did you have in mind?". After I said that Mark moved over so he was holding himself above me and was like "Oh just some stuff". So I laid back and closed my eyes. It wasnt long before I felt his hand lifting up my shirt. He started kissing my stomach and working his way down. Once he got to my jeans he started to unbutton them, but I was like "Um, actually, I really cant do this. I'm sorry".

Luckily he was really nice about it and was like "Ok, thats fine, I dont want to push you out of your comfort zone. Besides you are straight, its not like I didnt expect you to say that...". I look down and was like "its not really that, its more, I like someone else...". So Mark was like "Its Jason isnt it." I nodded. And he was like "I KNEW IT!!!! I kept saying to people that I thought there was something going on with you two and everyone I talked to thinks there is too!". So I was like "Well he doesnt know and for right now I would like to keep it that way...". Mark was like "Thats cool I understand, so are you gay or what?". I told him I was bi and some of the things that went on with me and Jason. I told him not to tell anyone I was bi. He said he promised because it was my choice to make and he had been in my shoes before.

It was nice to get it off my chest to a real person. We talked about me and Jason until we fell asleep. I slept wonderfully. We left the next day after breakfast and some jokes about Matt and Shawn doing it :P


After camping, I was seriously missing Jason and wanted to talk to him so bad. After all I dont get any reception where we were camping so I couldnt call him. So the first thing I did after going home and take a shower was to call him up and ask him to hang out. He said that sounded good. So he came over and we were just haning out, watching a movie. I asked him if he went and saw Brooke. He said that he didnt, he had just hung out at home. I was happy to hear that at least. So after awhile I grabbed and held his hand, like we had done the week before. He looked at me and I was just like "I like holding your hand." He said "I really like it too. And I really just like being with you" and then he leaned in and gave me a kiss right on the lips!!!!! :D :D :D :D
It was by far the best kiss I have ever had. He was gentle and his lips were soft. MMM it was perfect. But it didnt stay perfect for long.....

After he pulled back I was just like "Jason. I've wanted that for so long." and he just looked at me and then I saw his eyes getting teary and he was like "I have to go." and just walked toward the door. I was like "WHAT?! Don't go, whats the matter?" and he was just like "I just need to go" by this time I could see tears on his cheecks. He got in his car and drove away. So I went back inside and just broke down crying.

I texted him later and he was like "I just need to clear my head. I'm sorry".

I think I just ruined everything.


Wednesday, October 22, 2008


So I really dont know how to feel about today. I was talking to Jason and decided to tell him that I was going camping with Mark. (I didnt tell him last night because I was preoccupied with the hand holding :) ). But he did something totally unexpected. He was just like "Oh. Well then I'm gonna hang out with Brooke". And he said it kinda of angrily. Plus he knows that I absolutely hate that girl because she constantly messed with his emotions and is nothing but a slut.



Me-"Why? I dont think you should be hanging out with her."

Jason-"Well I just know what she will want to do (implying sex)"

Me-"I thought you didnt like casual sex."

Him-"Well I'll take what I can get."

Me-"You know you deserve better than that. I dont like when you just give up what you believe in"

Him-"Oh well. It doesnt matter."

Me-"But you dont even like her anymore, why would you hang out with her?"

Him-"I didnt even know you were friends with Mark, why are you hanging out with him?"

Me-"Thats totally different. Im not just hanging out with him to sleep with him. Why does it matter anyway?"

Him-"It doesnt. Nevermind. I'm sorry. But I have to go home or my Dad's gonna kill me."

Me- "Fine, just call me tonight ok."


He gave me a quick hug and then left. I dont know what that whole deal was about, but I think he might be jealous. Because he only hangs out with Brooke when hes feeling really down or upset and I'm not around.

Also apparently the other boy that is going with us camping is Mark's brother's boyfriend. I guess he is bi after all.

Wish me luck and support for when I talk to Jason.....


P.S. WOW almost 1000 views :D

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

Just lay next to me


So anyway. Jason was sick today. So I decided that I was going to go see him and see how he was feeling. So I went over to his house. So I knocked on the door and let me in. So I asked him how he was feeling and he said he was feeling really tired and out of strength. I had brought him a small pizza and a grape slushy (his favorite foods). So he ate those and I decided that I should probably go back home and do some homework. So when I told him that I needed to go. But he was like "Dude, can you just stay here for awhile, you are the only thing that makes me feel better. We can watch a movie or something."

So I told him I would stay there and watch a movie with him. So we go into the living room and sit on the couch and start watching the movie. After about 20 minutes in. Jason moves his hand over and holds my hand.

I was so happy. I looked up at him. He was already looking at me. We locked eyes for what seemed like forever. I was sitting there totally melting, my stomach was flipping all over the place. After a little while we both just smiled and continued to watch the movie. After the movie was done I had to head home. As I got to the door. Jason gave me a huge hug and was like "Thanks for staying with me, it means a lot, it made me feel a lot better".

We said goodbye and I went home. I must have had the dumbest/hugest smile on my face the whole way home. I have been smiling ever since. My cheeks are starting to hurt. Lol.

I cant believe that happened. Does it mean that he has been having the same thoughts? Should I ask him what it meant or just see where this goes?


P.S. Thanks to everyone who reads my blog and leaves comments. You're support means tons to me. :D

Study Hall

So today in study hall Mark decided to sit next to me. I really like him. He is a very nice boy. He always compliments everyone and is always very polite. He is shy which just kind of makes him cuter. And he has perfect blue eyes. Just amazing. They look like pictures of a galaxy. Its really cool. So anyway he came over to sit with me and this is pretty much how it went:

Him- "Hey whats up?"

Me- "Nothing, I got all my homework done."

Him- "Cool. So how are you?"

Me- "I can't complain my life is going pretty good at the moment"

Him- "Thats good. Hey about that painting I did. The one I showed you yesterday..."

Me- "Yes?"

Him- "Well I sorta based one of the characters off of you....(obviously nervous)"

Me- "Oh, thank you, but why?"

Him- "I dont know, I just think you are a good person"

Me- "Oh. Thanks thats really nice."

Him- "You're welcome. Hey would maybe want to go camping with me and a couple people this weekend?"

Me- "Sure that would be cool, I dont have anything going on anyway"

Him- "Awesome"

So we went on to talk about some more stuff, mostly school and homework. So basically I am going camping friday night with him, his brother, and some kid from a neighboring town. I think it will be really fun. I'm so looking forward to it.

Jason was sick today. So I think I'm going to go over to his house and see how he is doing. I'll update soon :)


Monday, October 20, 2008

Just another day

So summer is going by, I guess I'm just here for your entertainment.
Don't tell me lies, wheres you're guy?
He'll be talking shit till he hits the pavement.
Another number up.
Another day of the week in an attempt to sweep you off your feet.
But they're so heavy and the summers ending and its just not worth the time ive been spending.
They already know.
I'm just a boy in a bed, you've got no time for me.
He's probably what you see when you close your eyes.
So good luck and goodnight and goodbye for lifetime

A newcomer perhaps has entered the scene. Heres the scoop. Today in art class we were finishing up one of our projects. The theme was "Unspoken but from the heart". I did mine of the lookout that me and Jason go to with two figures silhouetted by the sun holding hands.
Obviously it represented my longing for Jason.
But then a kid named Mark came over and asked me if I liked his. It was a picture of a shaggy dark haired boy receiving a heart from a shorter boy also with shaggy dark hair.

Oh btw Mark is one of the few out gay kids in my school.

But anyway, as I'm looking at the painting, I notice that the taller boy in the painting looks a lot like me (The face wasnt drawn on though) and was even drawn wearing a shirt that I wear all the time and the shorter boy was drawn very similar to Mark. I looked at Mark and did notice that he was a shorter then me.

So I was like "Um its really good. The people in it look familiar, did you have anyone in mind?" and Mark was just like "Yah its where I got the idea from". So now I was really curious, I was like "Oh?". And he was just like "haha its supposed to be unspoken you know" and just walked away.

So maybe Mark likes me?

I would be ok with that because he is really cute and has a twin brother Matt (Who I think is bi, but I dont really know him that much)

But my heart is still just for Jason at the moment.